“You know, I’m having second thoughts about the woodpeckers!”
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Walthamstow, and said, ‘Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.’
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ‘You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for forty days and forty nights.’
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. ‘Noah!’ He roared, ‘I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’
‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I’ve broken planning laws by building the Ark in my garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to Appeal for a decision.
‘Then the Department of Transport demanded I took out insurance to cover the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
‘Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting trees in Epping Forest in order to preserve the natural habitat of the wildlife. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the wildlife - but it was no go!
‘When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
‘They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
‘Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted a proper environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
‘I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Racial Equality Commission on how many people from ethnic minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
‘Immigration are checking the legal status of most of the people who want to work.
‘The Trade Unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only paid up members of a Trades Union with Ark-building experience.
‘To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue have seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
‘So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.’
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’
‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘Your government beat me to it.’
Anon (adapted)
Cartoons from Revd Fun and Funny Collection
Return to Index for the Parish of Walthamstow Magazine, July/August 2008
